Echolocation and Lychees

My wife uses a walker 24/7, her feet and ankles having long since succumbed to arthritis. As a result, when we go shopping in the big stores, she uses an electric shopping cart that most big stores have these days.

I, myself, often use one of those carts, too, to save wear and tear on my 0.75 total knees: half a knee on one side, and about a quarter on the other. In fact, we have developed an admirable two-geezer shopping technique that employs two electric carts and our cell phones for communication. She’ll call and say, “Go get your cereal,” and I’ll putter over to the breakfast food aisle. We’ll rendezvous in the fresh vegetable section when we’re done.

Well, today she had to make a “quick run” to Kroger for a can of lychees for some Halloween eyeball recipe she plans to make (don’t ask). I tagged along on foot, thinking that this was a quick errand. I caught up with her in the Asian food section, but alas, no lychees. They had lychee juice, but not the canned fruit.

As I was poking around amongst the Asian items, looking for a lost can of lychees (sounds like a Jimmy Buffett song), I turned around and my wife was gone, electric cart and all.

After scouting the adjacent aisles, I couldn’t find her. I thought, “I’ll just call on the cell phone and find out where she is.” This works in our normal grocery store.

But, “Oh, NO!” There’s no cell service in Kroger’s!  I then remember this about the new Kroger’s – no cell phone service. Something about the metal roof over the huge superstore.

“What am I gonna do?”  I could be stuck in here for hours until she randomly runs into me. There’s no place to sit.

So, I went back to the entrance and requisitioned another electric cart. At least they had several and the one I picked had a freshly recharged battery.

I swung a gimpy leg over the seat and set off to do a grid search of the 6-acre Kroger.

In the old days, grocery stores were laid out in a regular grid. You could cross down one row and see down each aisle. It was possible to lay out a logical search pattern with near 100% probability of finding your wife. Not so anymore.

There are too many deviations from the regular grid – escarpments and jutting corners and exhibits and abutments and all kinds of impediments to a regular search. You’re reduced to the almost hopeless task of driving around randomly until either you find her, or run out of juice in your battery, whichever comes first. A daunting prospect.

I tried to think, “How’d we use to do this? Before cell phones? When I lost her in a grocery store back in the old days.”

I remembered – ECHOLOCATION. I learned years ago that my wife recognizes my cough. And I recognize her answering cough. So, I go about a hundred feet, and cough <coff><coff> and wait for an answer.

So, I began my semi-random search grid, coughing <coff><coff> periodically –and waiting for an answer from my wife. Like a couple of cetaceans in the open seas. Blue whales looking for their mates.

So I’m cruising around on the electric cart, coughing like a retired coal miner, and some sympathetic store employee asks me, “Can I help you find anything?” I replied, “My wife?” She were amused, but not particularly helpful.

I ultimately spotted her about a quarter mile ahead and made my signal, <coff><coff> and she immediately looked around towards me. Mission complete.

It’s good to know the old ways when modern technology lets you down. It’s a good lesson for you young whippersnappers. Good advice from the Old Boomer.